Haiku of the day #3

Sometimes in a sea
Of capital and greed, I
long for the ocean.

Haiku of the Day #2

Its fishy business
All of this speculation
On the stock market.

Business Fish Haiku of the Day #1

Swimming in the sea,

Striking capitalist deals,

He is Business Fish!

A Discourse on the Nature of Life, Death, and Being: a Business Fish Fanfiction

It was just another day in the life of Business Fish, the cold-blooded aquatic vertebrate with the body of a hunk.¹ The heels of his shoes clicked satisfyingly on the pavement as he strolled through the city, enjoying breathing the polluted, stagnant air through his gills. He sighed deeply, closing his eyes briefly in order to completely appreciate the extent of the damage those who were fully human (or, as he liked to refer to them in his head, LESSER MORTALS) had wreaked on this world .

Suddenly, he felt a vibration in his pocket. He was startled for a moment, then remembered that yesterday, his LESSER MORTAL secretary Janice had given him an item called a ‘mobile phone’, promising it to be the easiest way to contact him in case of an emergency.

“WhAt Do yOu mEAn, eMeRGEncY? wHY woULd THeRe bE an eMErGeNCy?” he had bubbled at her. She had smiled her grotesque LESSER MORTAL smile – those nasty teeth things always freaked him out – and said just in case.

Now, he pulled out the phone and looked at it. The screen was all lit up, and the word JANICE was there, along with a green button and a red button. Which to pick, which to pick? He decided that Janice would prefer red, and pressed it tentatively with his salmon-pink finger. Success! The vibrating stopped. Business fish smiled contentedly and put the phone back in his pocket, pleased to have gained an understanding of this new technology.

“tAKe THaT, jANIce!” he mumbled to himself. She’d wanted to show him how to use it yesterday, but she was merely a LESSER MORTAL, and as such was inferior to him in all ways. On what basis did she presume to be able to teach him anything?

As he reached a street intersection, he heard a strange noise. It was the sound of shouting, mixed with incoherent bubbling and sirens. Business Fish paused and put his head around the corner.

What he saw made his jaw drop.

A little way down the street, lying on the ground surrounded by LESSER MORTALS moving around frantically, was another like him! Business Fish had never seen another being like him, having been brought up in an orphanage and never knowing his parents, and it filled him with something he had only heard described before – happiness.

After a couple of paralysed seconds, though, he realised that there was something wrong – that was why his kin, his blood and soul, his life mate, was lying on the ground. There was blood, seeping cherry-coloured across the cobbles. As he watched, the LESSER MORTALS on the scene ceased their frenzied action, heaved a collective sigh, and began to pack up the neon-coloured materials around them. They then put Business Fish’s kin on a stretcher, loaded it into a nearby ambulance, and drove away.

Business Fish sat down.

Had he just witnessed the death of the only other being like him he had ever seen?

At that moment, for the first time in his life, Business Fish wished he was a LESSER MORTAL, so that he could release this tightness in his chest. He had seen some of them leak water from their eyes, and it seemed to provide great comfort in times like these. If only, if only.

The vibrating in his pocket started up again and this time, Business Fish chose the green button, just to see what would happen.

“Business Fish! I’m so sorry to interrupt your lunch break, sir, but there’s been an emergency at the office! Please come back immediately.” Janice’s voice emerging from the phone startled him briefly, but by the time it stopped and the screen went dark again, Business Fish had recovered.

“OkaY Then. I’lL jUST PIck uP sOMe coCAIne On mY WAy bACK.” Business Fish decided, then picked himself up off the ground and began to walk back the way he had come.

After all, his business workers wouldn’t exploit themselves, and he didn’t think he’d checked his Fishbook timeline in a while…

1. Of course, he covered his ultra-masculine, ultra-hot body up with a well-fitted suit, because it just wouldn’t be fair to the rest of the males in the world if he didn’t – no female would ever even look at them again!

By Pema l'Anson

Ocean Acidification: A serious case of cognitive dissonance for Business Fish

Having just returned from his daily dose of lunchtime cocaine – sure to keep him going for the rest of a hard day of exploiting workers for profit - Business Fish slid open his fancy laptop and scrolled down his Fishbook timeline.

“Eugh!” Business Fish exclaimed. “Darn those lefty-liberals... always polluting my timeline with Guardian articles!”

Despite his initial expression of disdain towards his casual acquaintances' and distant family members' public displays of social liberalism, Business Fish made the peculiar decision to follow one of the links into the Mecca of liberal idiocy: www.theguardian.com/uk/commentisfree.

This, however, was no normal lefty-liberal Guardian comment piece written by the likes of Giles Fraser, Owen Jones, or (Poseiden forbid) Polly Toynbee... No. It was by George Monbiot. Sure, Monbiot is a regular contributor to the Guardian, and as lefty-liberal as the rest. But this was a piece on something close to Business Fish's giant mutant heart; it was about the oceans.

Business Fish's ancestors came from the oceans and had been there himself a few times, but only as a young child-fingerling, before his merciless desire to pursue individual wealth accumulation at all costs eliminated all prospect of a social life.

Specifically, the article was about ocean acidification, which (put simply  for those of you who aren't ecology nerds) is the increase of oceans' acidity due to increases in carbon dioxide (CO2) in the Earth's atmosphere, a third of which dissolves into oceans.

This increased ocean acidity has been devastating for a plethora of ocean species. Business Fish can't contain himself. Biodiversity radically diminished. Species extinct. Eco-systems collapsing. His ancestors suffering. He would do anything to end all the pain!

But then he read on. Monbiot argued with his usually compelling style, that anthropogenic carbon emissions were the fault of capitalist corporations which made a profit out of burning fossil fuels. Business Fish was distraught. He knew that the planet was on the verge of ecological crisis and that this included an existential threat to both his human and fishy ancestral species. He also knew, in his heart of giant mutant hearts, that if the global ecological crisis were to be averted, neoliberal capitalism had to be abandoned instantly.

This necessitation of economic revolution was in conflict with his aforementioned “merciless desire to pursue individual wealth accumulation”. Back and forth, he toyed with his conflicting desires for environmental justice, and profit.

After some time, Business Fish realised the truth. It is a liberal conspiracy. It has to be! Monbiot is a liar who wants nothing more than to implement his own socialist agenda. Its the only explanation!

Now shaking with rage, Business Fish bellowed so loud he could be heard throughout all the oceans of the Northern Hemisphere, and the City of London: “DAMN YOU LIBERALLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!”

By Chris Saltmarsh